I missed them last night. I don't know what it is about them that I like so much, but I have a feeling it is because I am a fire sign.... and more importantly a Sagittarius. Somehow I can asscoiate with something that shoots up into the air and in a grand explosive display bursts into colour and light and fire and then, spent, fade and slowly float to the ground scorched and torn, yet somewhat vindicated.
I could hear them a bit from my place and I caught a few from walking around the building and looking out my bedroom window. I felt cheated though because I lost track of time and was cleaning the kitchen when I should have been finding my place on the stonearch bridge with the other people pretending to be patriotic just to see some pretty lights.
apove line is X-posted in my personal journal
So I was feeling antsy, because I could hear them all over, but I didnt have a clue where they were coming from (or which way to walk to better see them, thinking if I did walk somewhere it would be over by the time I got there) and my room mate had all gone to the pub (which I had been invited to but somehow being the only sober person it didn't seem appealing) so I took the oppurtunity to have a ritual of sorts... to calm me down more then anything, although I had higher goals of having a ritual to have inner clarity (everything is a little fuzzy inside of me right now, a huge chapter in my life has just concluded and I am a bit lost), calming myself down was a fine enough effort.
The interesting thing is, you know the whole build up before hand, setting everything up, you are getting ready to do something kinda important so you get medatative and rythmic about your actions. This happened as normal, however because I have kinda lost my... I dont whanna say faith but for lack of a better word, I have lost my faith in grander schemes and powers that be as of late so skyclad walking around the house I am wondering the whole time if I am just going through all the motions and do I really believe in it all.... so the interesting thing, getting back to that.... As soon as I lit the insense I felt tingly, and then I just felt like I was doing the right thing whether I believed it or not and kept going... I never questioned the tingly feeling until I layed down to 'heal' a bit with a stone spread on my chest, Apache tear (black obsidian, gentler) and Onyx. I suddenly thought, all this time and I have had a presence and ignored it until just now... perhaps the stones were helping me see a bit, Obsidian is known for that. I don't know, I have just been not connected to the whole, and it was strange to think that maybe I broke through the wall a little bit... why it is strange? Because I have been feeling so disconnected that I thought there was nothing to connect to anymore... and had I really ever been connected before or was I always just going through the motions then too. I felt connected and pleased when I went to bed but I woke up unhappy. The stone therapy might be a sign of that because obsidian drums up and unbottles negative emotion so it can be experienced and disperse.
Also, I scryed a little bit with my ball (clear quartz, my ex-husband had given it to me for a wedding present and I have been questioning whether I should keep it or not, incase I may have negative attachments in it) and I got horses. In my head I got an image of four white horses pulling a white covered carriage with a man, in full uniform, and we are talking white wig blue velvet vest and tan pants (someone remind me what era this is from) and he help a musket as this carriage charged towards me. He was standing and aiming it at me. In the ball I saw white horses that were free, running as they pleased, but in slow motion.
All these things seem really small but they make me want spirituality back in my life... some kind of calming connection with something.... whether I believe there is a goddess and god or not... I kinda just use them as archetypes to better connect with something more abstract I guess... just energy. Does anyone out there truly believe there are gods and goddesses hanging out out there?